So what happened? Why did I only lose 2 lbs.? Okay, I know; two pounds is fine, especially after the previous 15 lbs. But anyone who has as much weight to lose as me knows that two pounds is nothing really at this stage. You know it’s just as easy to gain 2 or 3 lbs. seemingly overnight when you’re this overweight, so I should be happy that I’m now 208 lbs.

Truth be told, I sabotaged myself. Sound familiar? It’s not rocket science; you have to expend more calories that you take in to shed the extra junk in the trunk (and in my case on the front, under the arms, under my chin, around my knees, etc.)… and I did not do this every day.

Here’s what happened. I had two great days. I ate well, went to the gym and drank lots of water. Then I had a night where I didn’t get enough sleep and my brain short-circuited. Around 4:00 the next afternoon all I could think about was stuffing my face full of food. Of course I didn’t crave zucchini and carrot sticks. I wanted potatoes smothered in fresh butter and sour cream. Lots of creamy mashed potatoes with melted cheddar cheese, too. Mmmmm my imagination really went to work on my salivary glands. Of course I didn’t have anything like that in the house because I had cleaned out the fridge at the beginning of this journey.

Instead of thinking, “Well there is a reason I cleared out the cupboards”, I got dressed and climbed into the car. Once I got to the store, I didn’t just pick up potatoes and full fat sour cream. Oh no. I picked up real butter and then wheeled my cart over to the sweet aisle where I stocked up on chocolate bars (they were on sale, what can I say?).

Even before I was done shovelling all that food glorious food down my gullet, I was starting to feel guilty – especially since I kept eating after I was full. That made me beat myself up mentally even. About an hour later I started thinking, “I wonder what else there is to eat?” What a vicious cycle. No wonder I had a headache when I climbed into bed.

The next morning I had to force myself on to the scales: Between the salt and the sugar, it was not a pretty sight. Mad at what I had done the day before, I headed to the kitchen thinking, “Peanut butter and jam”. Luckily, as I put the sugar-free jam and natural, sugar-free peanut butter on the counter I came to my senses.

As I sipped my tea and nibbled on my healthy breakfast, I reflected on what had transpired the day before.

My mistakes:

• I set myself up for failure by making the week’s goal too ambitious.
• I whittled my willpower by only getting 2 hours sleep.
• Instead of doing any of the activities I had written down and posted on the fridge as alternatives to munching, I deliberately ignored the note so I could give in to temptation.

What I did right, though, was to reflect on what I had done and get back on track the next day. In the past I might have used this day’s debauchery as an excuse to continue bingeing, but I was able to resume normal eating habits.

The only problem though is that the damage had already been done. I had to work out really hard every other day this past week and really watch my calories to make up for that one day’s insanity. As I huffed and puffed on the treadmill, sweat pooling in my bra, I couldn’t help but think about how much exercise is needed to offset “one little chocolate bar.” Next time, I’ll just say “No”.

Down to 210 lbs. You can't really tell yet, but I'm feeling better.

Okay – I haven’t posted anything in a while. Why not? Who knows? I wrote a few notes, but didn’t post them, so you can catch-up if you want, because I’ve included what I had with the most recent notes first.

July 10, 2010

As of this morning I weight 210 lbs.! Yeah!!!!!

I went to Zumba again this morning, even though I had been to the class the night before. I also spent another hour working with free weights. I had to; I had to work off a slice of cheesecake that I ate last night. I was doing so well, too. Then my daughters suggested we all go and have dessert together – their treat. How could I say no?

I know, “Just say no”.

Well, I had planned on having a cup of tea and some berries, but the restaurant had no berries. No melon. No fruit of any kind… except for the blueberries on top of the cheesecake. That luscious-looking cheesecake. It kept saying, “Eat me! Eat Me!!”. So I did. I did manage to leave the last 4 or 5 bites, says she virtuously, but boy did I enjoy the rest of it.

By the time we were driving home I was already feeling guilty and wishing I hadn’t sabotaged the two hours I had put in at the gym earlier in the day. I was also feeling a little sick because I had already eaten a healthy, filling, veggie-laden dinner before going out with the girls. It was nearly midnight by the time we got home and when I crawled into bed I was beating myself up emotionally for having indulged the way I did.

As you might imagine, it was with some trepidation that I got on the scales this morning. I got on and could not believe my eyes. Despite the cheesecake, I lost another pound yesterday. I am now 210 pounds. Not exactly something to brag about, but the 15 pound weight loss sure is!

I felt really lucky – and then I started thinking: “I have been really good about my food intake lately, and I have been working hard at the gym. Overall, it all balances out.”

Then I realized that I should not think about being on a diet, but about making food and exercise choices that will get me to a healthy weight. I already knew this, of course; I just hadn’t let it really sink into my bones yet.

This means that I have to eat the way a thin, healthy person does. This also means that I can have the occasional half (okay ¾) piece of cheesecake and not beat myself up about it, but just continue to make good choices, instead of this being a sign that I am a failure and should give up (my old thought process). So I guess, I can have my cake and eat it too!

July 9, 2010
I made the mistake of staying up working until nearly 4:00 this morning. Dumb. I know better than that… and yet I continue to push myself. Of course, I paid for it when I got on the scales this morning. Nothing lost. The needle on the scale never budges when I pull an all-nighter (or an “almost no sleeper” night). As I said, “Dumb”. Dumb.

I’m always telling my kids that sleep is their best friend when they have tests or something stressful on the horizon, and I’m still at a point where this whole food intake vs. calorie output through exercise thing is stressful for me. To remind myself of why I need to go to sleep, I went and looked it up and here is what I found:

When you first go without sleep you start hallucinating and developing other mental problems. In one university study they had to stop the sleep deprivation part of an experiment because all their subjects starting becoming paranoid, delusional and even violent!

Scientists figure that your systems start shutting down when your body doesn’t get the rest it needs to recharge its internal batteries and that a long enough period without sleep will actually kill you!

What harm is there is missing even regular amounts of sleep?

Lack of sleep makes you less able to form memories and more prone to heart disease, infections, aging prematurely (because the skin doesn’t have a chance to repair itself from the day’s UV damage) and… wait for it… obesity.

Think I’m going to go to bed now! Nightie night.

July 8, 2010
Well this has been a great day. I did what I needed to do and wasn’t tempted to cheat.
I had a meeting that went really well and that helped me stay the course with my diet and exercise. Hmmm – sounds like I need to look at how I am using food. Clearly it’s not just as fuel.

June 30, 2010
The first days really are the hardest. The phrase, “Oh I’ll just eat this cake/chocolate/ cookie/ buttered bread roll/ whatever and start tomorrow” is responsible for fatties like me packing on more pounds than any of us probably care to admit.

I have to get used to the fact that a) I simply can’t eat that crap anymore and b) if I fall off the healthy wagon, I just need to climb on back up without shovelling in any more sugar while I’m down in the… well, I don’t know where, but I do know that I can’t shovel it in anymore!

I know I said it was easier knowing that I could cheat if I really wanted to, but there were times when the cravings just about drove me nuts.  It was weird, too; I even found myself thinking, “I want bacon, lots of crispy bacon.  Mmmm.” What’s weird is that I rarely eat bacon and have only bought it once in the past decade.

 It was as though a part of my brain were trying to make me cheat.  How did I stick to it?  By thinking, “I deserve this and I am in control.”  Actually, I had put the phrase on a note on the fridge and that helped remind me.

 The other thing I did:  Every 30 minutes I got up from my desk and ran on the spot for a minute or did push-ups against the wall.  With any kind of luck, it won’t be long before I can do them on the floor!

 (Side note:  Be warned.  Diet gurus tell you to empty your house of all empty calories and the foods that tempt you before starting any “get healthy” kind of eating plan.  They are right.)

 As if that weren’t nuts enough, despite waking up with a food hangover, I got on the scales this morning hoping to see a lower number.  Like I said: Insane!

Also insane:  Starting this journey on such an emotional high, thinking I was committed to actually making a real difference in my life… and then falling off the wagon on the first full day.

 After inhaling everything I could find (including the chocolate chips I had frozen because I “didn’t want to waste them”), I felt so guilty and ashamed that I couldn’t bring myself to write my blog.  Next thing I knew, I was back in the kitchen trying to find something else to eat.  Unbelievable!

 Now, back to my bathroom this morning.  After stepping off the scales, I headed down to the kitchen, thinking, “Well I hope today is a better and I manage to stick with it.”  Then it hit me.  I had said, “I hope” - as though I weren’t the one in control of what I put in my mouth.

 I also realized that my rampage indicated that I hadn’t made a commitment to myself to lose weight and get healthy.  So now I have promised myself to get the weight off once and for all.  I did NOT promise that I will never break my diet, because I always keep my promises and I know there will be days when I mess up.

 That in itself is a relief.  By saying that it is okay to cheat every once in a while, as long as I stick with it over the long haul, somehow makes it easier.  Today, knowing that sweets were not forbidden forever, the cravings that usually kick in and sabotage my “get slender” efforts didn’t seem as strong.  In fact, I ate healthy foods all day.  Maybe a few too many of them, but nothing really bad.  That in itself was a huge victory.

 I also went to the gym: A 60-minute Zumba class and 30 minutes worth of weights. 

 Now, I can actually look forward to getting on the scale tomorrow… and I know the hope of seeing a smaller number is not irrational.

 I’ll let you know what happens!

Day 1 - 225 lbs. - The last picture that will be taken of me at this weight!

Well I’m actually going to get off my big fat butt, (unfortunately, that is all too accurate a phrase) and lose this weight and I’m going to use this blog to help keep me on track (i.e. accountable to someone).  Also, I figure that if reading about my progress can help someone else to shed their pounds in the real world, without the benefit of personal trainers and special diet plans, then even better.  

Why this name for the blog?  Because I have spent far too much time mesmerized by The Biggest Loser while shovelling buttered popcorn into my mouth, or scarfing down chocolate while watching The Last 10 Pounds Bootcamp and other shows like that.   

I’ll tell you (very briefly) about my weight struggle in a moment, but first let me tell you about the gym.   I actually went today.  I didn’t just think about it: I actually packed a bag and went.  There I learned that I love Zumba and hate yoga. 

The Zumba class is a lot of fun - it combines dance and aerobics.  Now, women, if you haven’t been to the gym for a while, I would suggest that you invest in a really good sports bra.  Get the kind that straps those puppies in place, yet still lets you breathe. 

Before you nod and then ignore this advice, let me tell you that it is no fun having to hold your boobs to stop them from bouncing more than you do as you move from side to side.  Even if it didn’t hurt (and let me tell you that it’s not pleasant for them to be smacking up and down against your chest), it sure looks bad… kind of like melons fighting for supremacy under the T-shirt.  And there is no escaping this frightening sight because there are mirrors all over the place at the gym.  Not a pretty.

 The Zumba instructor was great - and if I can ever move like her I will be amazed.  She was very friendly and patient.  She suggested ways to modify the steps for beginners that didn’t make me feel dumb or out of place… and didn’t laugh when I got all the steps wrong.  I actually came out of that class grinning, glad that I had gone.

 Then I made the mistake of joining the Yoga class.  I’ve heard that Yoga is good for you, and helps you live longer and feel better.  Truthfully, I think it just makes you feel like you’re old.  I will, however, take ‘their’ word for it and stick with the class, but OMG! 

Downward Facing Dog is a pose that made me feel like a dog (no offence to dogs).  There I was, face down, butt in the air, wrists hurting from supporting my weight, panting like a puppy and being told to bring my right foot in front.  Well, I couldn’t get my knee past my belly and low hanging boobs (remember, this was before I knew about needing a hyper control bra!).  So I stood up, scooched my foot forward so I could pretend to adopt the correct pose in time to hear, “Just slide your foot forward.”  Yeah. Right.

 Just as I got it right we shifted moves and had to balance in weirdly wonderful poses.  I fell over.  More than once.  The last time, I actually landed on my matt - which was a relief because it meant that I didn’t have to ‘lower myself gracefully to the ground for the next movement’.  Next movement my ass.  It was more like trying to do a pretzel transformation.  There I was on the ground, struggling to bring my knee to my chest as shown while sitting with my other ankle in my crotch only to have the instructor call out “You need to get your knee right against your chest.”

 ”What the hell do you think, I’m trying to do?!”, I thought.  After what I thought was a valiant attempt, I heard “You in the blue, more like this.”  Figuring that the skinny b—-was not going to let up, I replied, “I would if my blubber and boobs weren’t in the way.”  Needless to say the class cracked up and the instructor got off my back.

 As you can tell, I had mixed feelings about this first foray to the gym in a long time, but I will be going back again… and again… and again.  I have to. 

I have decided that I am losing this weight once and for all.  I’ve been talking about it for over 10 years.  10 years of starting a diet… making a little progress… and then eating it all back and more.

 10 years of wasting money buying clothes that I am ‘going to shrink into’, only to have them remain handing in the closet, tags intact, while they go out of style.  And the whole time, I keep going to that closet trying to find something to wear that fits and doesn’t make me look like a house.  The result is that I have a closet full of clothes and almost nothing to wear.  Sound familiar?

 This ongoing battle with my bulge has kept me from dating, from meeting new people and from feeling good about myself.  It is now getting in the way of me finding a new job - and yes, as much as we like to kid ourselves otherwise, people see fat and think ‘stupid and lazy.

 The weight is also taking its toll on my health.  On top of the clogged arteries and joint pain, I now have lesions on my liver that give me pain.  I’m sure all the sugar I eat also puts me at great risk of developing Type II Diabetes.  It’s time to change.  Now.  For me. 

I’ll let you know how it goes – and hopefully it won’t be long before I get to post more flattering pictures of myself!